Airlie Beach

I have a drinking problem; I cant find my cup.

Last night, I was kicked out of a bar in Airlie Beach by some jackass bouncer for having too much to drink. When he first approached me I did a double take. I didnt even realize that the dude worked there. I mean since when is it a crime to be tall and clumsy. The Aussie just love drinking so much so their liability laws are much stricter here, so the bouncers are much more active then at home. I mean fair enough I was wasted, but come on. In DC, if you can lift your arm to pay for the drink, theyll give it to you. And at the end of the night, they just sweep you up and take you out to the curb.

Its funny. I know I am tall but I dont think of myself as a big person, but the handful of times I have been asked to leave an establishment for either malicious dancing or for being too good-looking the bouncers give me such respect here, I love it. Through my drunk eyes, they always seem to act like they are taming a bear.

" Woah, there big fella!"

They are always careful not to touch me or stand directly in my path. They just walk behind me as my drunk ass searches for the door. And the past two times, they had two of them approach me. One does the talking the other just looks tough. Its hilarious! As I am slowly marched to the door, I always have to fight the urge to just run and hide behind some fat chick. But I abide so that I can leave with at least some dignity (some is lower case for a reason).

But in all fairness, last night wasnt my fault. It was those German girls and their tequila. Honestly, if two German girls come up to you and say "You drink this!" Really what can you say?

" No fuck you Blonde girls and your free alcohol; now get out of my face!"

. . . . . .

For my birthday a couple of weeks ago, I was given a boomerang by Hollie in Cairns. Oh my Gosh, I was so stoked! You have no idea! I dont know my imagination just got the best of me and I pictured myself just walking around town with my Boomerang "Matilda" just solving crime: Foiling bank heists, getting cats out of trees, boomeranging terrorists and you know just making the world a better place.

Walking from town to town across Australia, slowly accumulated more and more Boomerangers until we had a huge posse. Within maybe a couple of months at max, we would have gotten UN backing and you know really gone global. I think Somalia would have been our first stop, to sort out those bloody pirates.

Mr Obama, how do you feel about Doug Jeffery's Boomeranging, "I approve!"

Eventually, I would be tragically forced into premature retirement after a stray boomerang thrown by my trusted Boomerang Shirpa, Teeka, hit me in the shoulder and took me out of commission, we remain friends but he is a shell of his former self. And I would take up Boomsmithing to you know just stay in the game, but you its just not the same anymore. These kids today, they just dont know what its all about anymore! Not like back in the old days in Cairns!

. . . . . so needless to say you can see I was excited when I got this Boomerang.

We went to a cricket pitch for our expedition, and believe me I was prepared to go mad with that thing. I stretched out, cracked my knuckles, the whole lot, I picked it up in my hand, gauged the wind by the bend in the plam trees, pulled her back . . . . . And fuck me I am shit at throwing a Boomerang.

I might as well have been throwing a floppy turd, that thing didnt even consider returning to me. I was so devastated, my never-feasible future, just crumbled before my tear filled eyes. It was the toughest four hours of my trip. Thank God Hollie was there to talk me down from the ledge.

Luckily, my second birthday gift was a harpoon gun. . . . .